February 2, 2009
Can you walk into a room of people by yourself and start a conversation with someone you don’t know?
Do you find yourself waiting for other people to introduce you or come to you all the time?
I know I do. And I’m don’t consider myself a shy person, but I know that developing this one skill in my life is going to make an incredible impact. You see, I’ve always had a good amount of friends when I was going to school, even afterward college I had that core group of people.
My friends were always there to provide me with social events, potential dating partners, and someone to talk to. But the hard part came for me when I left that I all behind to move back home. I went to college in Philadelphia, but I’m originally from Houston and I made the decision to move back home. Now, a year later, I’m struggling to expand my social network and make some new friends. I’d also like to up my dating game.
I believe that someone with the confidence and courage to walk up to anyone in any situation can truly have access to anything they want in life. Whether is new clients for a business, referrals for a new job, or dates for the weekend…someone who can brave the social awkwardness of talking to someone you don’t know can have anything they want.
I know a lot of people out there want this too. Maybe even you reading this right now. But how can a person gain the courage to bridge the gap between a stranger and a friend? I’m about to find out as a tackle 30 days of talking to strangers…
Procedure:
How To Make Simple Small Talk
One of the biggest questions I had was how do you make small talk with people you don’t know. Normally, if you’re introduced by a friend you at least have that common ground (school, work, roommate) to relate to, but what if you meet someone in a bookstore or at the grocery store. What you say beyond, “Hi” to get them talking?
Here is what I’ve found as the simplest formula for small talk. You can just compliment or observe what that person is doing. Compliments are by far one of the most powerful conversations techniques. Everyone loves to hear compliments about themselves. Do you still remember compliments people have given you from years ago?
It’s not necessary to really think about it for too long. Actually in the book Always Talk To Strangers (mentioned below), the author suggests the 3-second rule. The rule requires that if you see someone you’re interested in talk to, don’t wait longer than 3 seconds before you go over and talk to them.
6-Step Process For Approaching Potential Dates
- Compliment or Observe. “That’s an awesome dog.”, “Wow, you have an interesting looking hat.”
- Ask A Question. “What breed is it?”, “Where did you get it?”
- Reflect On Yourself / Tell a Story. “Yeah, I a golden retriever, too. She loves to come the park”
“Oh interesting. I love to shop there.” - Introduce Yourself And Shake Their Hand. “Hi, I’m Allen. And what’s your name? “Hi, __, nice to to meet you. So do you…”
- Ask About Their Family, Occupation, Recreation Activities, or Where They Live. “Do you live in this area? What do do for fun, besides walk your dog/shop/etc?”
- Ask Them For Their Number. “It was great talking to you about ____. I got to go but I’d love to continue our conversation. Can I have your number?”
How To Approach People At Networking Events
- Ask About Their Career. How did they get started?
What got this interested in this business/industry? - Give Information About Your Career. “I love marketing because ___”, “This one time…”
- Ask About Their Family, Occupation, Recreation Activities, or Where They Live.
- Ask For Referrals. Do you know any that’s hiring ____ managers? Do you know anyone who might need a _____ ?
I could go on and on about different questions and techniques for starting and carrying on conversations, but the basic principal with talking to people is sharing emotions. We’re not drones. We’re people that have real feelings. So any opportunity you have to share emotions with others can only bring you closer. Also, people love to talk about themselves and they love compliments so try and keep it in these areas. But remember to be sincere and interject with information about yourself, so you don’t turn into the interrogator.
Making Contact With People
- Contact Someone Professionally Everyday. I once heard of a business man who called 20 new prospects everyday asking for business. After a couple of months, he didn’t have to worry about where his sales where coming from. I want to create a habit of contacting someone new related to my career to ask a questions, get advice, or office something of value everyday.
- Contact Someone Socially Everyday. This includes friends I haven’t talked to in a while. A personal ad that I’m interested. Someone on Myspace I’m interested in meeting. The point is to do something, anything, everyday to contact someone new.
- Saying Hello To People I See Everyday. As an experiment in preparation for this trial, I paid attention to the opportunities I had to meet someone new and conversation. I observed that on a typical weekday I had 7-8 chances to walk over and compliment someone or ask them about what they were doing. This is the time to take those risks and talk to those people I wouldn’t normally talk to.
- Getting Outside Of My House. When you’re unemployed, it can be very easy to get in the routine of staying at home all day. When there’s no normal commute to go on everyday, you can find yourself at home all the time. That’s why I’m going to get out at least in the evenings and find something new to attend where I’ll be around people I’ve never met before. Just to give you an example of what I have lined up, this week I’ll be going to play soccer with a Meetup.com group, attending a Jobing.com job fair, going to my kickboxing class, going to a book store and joining a ballroom dance club.I figure if I can go to at least one place a day, there’ll be tons of chances to talk to new people. Another cool idea I found was a group of photographers who take randompictures of strangers they meet on the street. I’m not personally doing this, but this is a great suggestion for photographers or other creative people who want to use their craft as an excuse to talk to someone new.
The Research
- Read 4 Books On The Subject. I found four really interesting books
on the topic of conversation and small topics which include:- Always Talk To Strangers: 3 Simple Steps To Finding The Love Love of Your Life By David Wyant
- The Fine Art of Small Talk by Debra Fine
- What Do I Say Next?: Talking Your Way To Business And Social Success by Susan Roane
- How To Talk To Anyone: 92 Little Tricks For Success In Relationships by Leil Lowdnes
- Do a “Talk To Me” experiment. There’s this awesome couple that lives in New York City, but have traveled around the entire country on their bycyles holding up a sign that simple says “Talk To Me”. I might do a sign or maybe just wear a nametag with “Talk To Me” on it, but I think the idea is interesting. The whole point is to stop people and get them to start a conversation. Most people will be curious why you have a sign that says talk to me on it, which is ironically the whole point of the sign.
Ok…here I go.
How many strangers did you talk to this month?
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Reader Comments
Allen,
Thanks for mentioning my book, What Do I Say Next? What might also help your readers is Face to Face: How To Reclaim the PERSONAL Touch in a Digital World and the classic: How To Work a Room®. Another tip from my books is to have a prepared 7-9 second self introduction tied to the event or situation. That helps others respond to you.